"Would a team member assist a customer in the bulk aisle, immediately?"

If anyone would be so kind as to pick up a copy of The Onion, today's edition (i.e., not the one that will be on newsstands tomorrow), I'd appreciate it. I have an A.V. Club feature on Mingering Mike that I didn't realize had already run, and I need a physical copy of that clip, unless and until it runs in the national edition (I'll let you know). Look for it while supplies last.

Hmm, let's not leave the post at that. Here, I've got a question. Why does Whole Foods sell packaged quinoa cheaper than bulk quinoa? Packaged quinoa, which comes with a handy, stay-fresh, ziplockable seal, is $1.69 per pound. Bulk, the stuff's $2.19 per pound. Bulk quinoa might taste better, but so much better that twisty-tying the bag wins out over that satisfying feeling you get when you thumb close a ziplock seal and it resists just a little bit before it snaps into position? No, not likely. Quinoa is tiny bitter alien spawn.

Awfully crunchy, I know, buying quinoa. I like to think I made up for it at the pumpkin-spice-and-raisin granola bulk dispenser, which wasn't pouring, damn thing, and which I shook so hard that the adjacent dispenser spilled almonds everywhere and brought the attention of the authorities.