State of the Birthday

Thank you very much. Mr. Speaker, Vice President Cheney, members of Congress, distinguished guests, Spencer, fellow citizens: As we gather tonight, our nation is at war, our economy is in recession, my iPod's nowhere to be found, and the civilized world faces unprecedented dangers. Yet, it's my birthday. (Applause.)

Every year, by law and by custom, we meet on this day to consider my birth. It's pretty awesome, when you think about it, my being born. This year, we gather in this chamber deeply aware of decisive days that lie ahead. Thanks again for crowding into the dining room—can y'all hear in the back? (Applause.)

In all these days of promise and days of reckoning, we can be confident. In a whirlwind of change and hope and peril, my hearing is sure, my eyesight is firm, and my back is strong, for up to 12 consecutive hours a day. (Applause.)

Hey, you, jerks in the robes, you up front—the f? You're too good to clap? Someone let those pie-throwing protesters in here. (Applause.) Mm, pie—everybody loves pie.

In the coming day, there will be efforts to join me to see helicoprion skeletons at the National Geographic Museum, take me to the Wizards–Suns game, and buy me beers at the Tavs. I applaud all these efforts. (Applause.) Apparently, you do too.

Some might call this a good record; actually, I would, too. Pretty, pretty good. Tonight I ask for the House and Senate to join me in thanking friends and family for making the last year fun and to wish for an even better one at 27. And so long as I have the attention of the House and Senate, some representation in your august bodies would be appreciated. Also, Hillary Clinton must be stopped. (Roaring applause.)

Thanks for the well wishes! (Applause.)

Thanks, good day. (Applause.)

Seriously, y'all get out of my dining room. (Applause.)