Washington, it's time I let you know—I actually quit my job to build an Ark. I'm a little late getting started, what with the not having any sons to lend a hand, and the instruction manuals only come in cuneiform, and you try measuring out a cubit with the tape they sell at Logan Hardware. The deluge is coming down now—but it's okay, it's cool, I like to work against a deadline.
For the second straight day there have been intermittent power outages at my house, and I keep thinking I'm going to have to toss the food from my refrigerator, but that's a silly concern if you know the grand plan that's been revealed to me: I am to finish this Ark, sail it down Florida Ave. to Connecticut, where I'll bear north toward the National Zoo. We'll make one last stop at Whole Foods and, I guess, the pet food store, and everyone better use the restroom then because I'm not tolerating any nonsense on my boat.
I'm now taking applications for spots on the Ark. Preference will be given to those who can sail, tie knots, clean fish, and tend to exotic animals. Application instructions may be found by clicking here. Many will enter; few will be selected, so be sure to emphasize why your antediluvian qualities ought to persist into the new world.
Posted by Kriston at June 27, 2006 2:03 PMI used to teach a knot-tying class, a sailing class, and a wilderness survival class. I've also built a boat. I'm your man.
Boy Scoutz, represent!
Posted by: Matt F at June 27, 2006 2:42 PMWho else will design the webpages for your new civilization? Surely there's a place for me on the boat.
Also, I can tie knots, too. And keep in mind that Matt is younger than us, and therefore will inevitably challenge you for primacy in this new society. I'm just a broken-down old man, content with a modest allowance of smoked meat and wives.
Posted by: tom at June 27, 2006 3:03 PMHey, I was already promised a spot! There was no mention of an application process, especially one written in an ancient language. But if I must, I'll play my only trump card: Handjobs for everyone!
Posted by: Sommer at June 27, 2006 3:15 PMpick me! we can talk about what danish atheists think of the bible. it will pass the time. no, really.
Posted by: the g at June 27, 2006 3:16 PM(dude, Tom, shhh! totally blowing my plan here.)
Posted by: Matt F at June 27, 2006 3:20 PMIf I had a boat
I'd go out on the ocean
i'm crafty, can tie a mean trucker's hitch, and in the next few hours will witness a home child birth.
and, at the risk of being a braggart:
i can totally pee into a bottle.
(references available upon request)
Posted by: lily c-r at June 27, 2006 3:31 PMso you're going to sail upstream?
Posted by: sqdc at June 27, 2006 3:46 PMI can knit! I could make us all lumpy, ill-fitting, mis-shapen sweaters.
Posted by: Becks at June 27, 2006 3:48 PMWell, sure, building an Ark on your own is a bitch when you're building to Renaissance standards, but I suspect a compact Roman model might be a better fit for the bachelor.
Posted by: Dan at June 27, 2006 3:50 PMLook, I may not have knotting skills or sailing skills or really any skills at all. But wouldn't the world be so much better if it were repopulated entirely with tiny genevieves? That should be reason enough in itself.
Posted by: genevieve at June 27, 2006 3:53 PMI have Jesus on my side. And trust me, you are going to need Jesus.
Posted by: Charles at June 27, 2006 4:16 PMWelcome aboard, Charles!
Posted by: Kriston at June 27, 2006 4:31 PMSommer and I have a cat to contribute ...
Posted by: Rob at June 27, 2006 6:21 PMTwo good reasons:
1.I can cook and I have experience with venison when the Ark gets too crowded.
2.I come from the tribe of the hebrews, if Charles is in I demand equal status otherwise you'll be hearing from my lawyers at the ADL.
Posted by: mercedes at June 27, 2006 7:28 PMwho else but me can mend the...sails...which...iguessarksdon'thave...BUT! i can sew...clothing! and linens and whatnot.
Posted by: valerie at June 27, 2006 7:33 PMif you need an alcholic journalist to record the whole epic shebang, i am clearly your lady. plus, you know i'll hit you if you don't let me on. hard.
Posted by: catherine at June 27, 2006 8:20 PMMercedes is on! That completes my pair of religious observers.
Posted by: Kriston at June 27, 2006 8:35 PMAs many of you have already guessed, i'm a poorly shaved ape. a dutch one at that, so i'll man the spinnaker.
Posted by: adrian at June 27, 2006 11:44 PMWait, wait, you can't sail ship without a lawyer.
- Everyone loves lawyers (it's true) and there aren't enough of them now, forget after our dry oasis is forsaken for Water World;
- Who's going to sue the pants off God for all the damage to our streets and countrysides after (if) the tides rush out? Imagine the look on his face when he gets served! Priceless!
To sweeten the pot: I've been spending the past week in California specifically to sharpen my surfing skills, and someone is going to have to teach the ark-mates, as it will soon be our only method of transportation.
Posted by: heather at June 28, 2006 3:58 AMI've undergone Community Emergency Response Training and can keep about 50% of the people alive for at least three days... so bring three of everything.
Posted by: matth at June 28, 2006 10:38 AM
