Just days ago, the United States Postal Service was listing the same physical address for God and Santa. Roommates? Perhaps a single supernatural construct, who happens to take on seasonal employment? I know the distinction was lost on me when I was little—I used to pray to Jesus before praying to Santa, and only later realized that the theologically sound approach is to pray to Jesus to intercede on your behalf with Santa.
Putting aside the larger metaphysical mystery, as of this writing the Postal Service only lists an address for Santa—no Big Guy.
Fortunately, this bear's LiveJournal archives the original USPS page ("How do I address a letter to Santa Claus or God?"). The FAQ entry explains the protocol for sending letters to Santa. (Use either "Local City, State, ZIP Code" or "North Pole, AK"—which is so stupid, the North Pole isn't in Alaska and all children know that—plus a return address.) Formerly the page added that "[l]etters to God can be addressed in the same way replacing 'Santa Claus' with 'God.'" Just pick your reason for the season and don't forget the stamp, right?
So why is the Postal Service whitewashing the baby Jesus's address from frequently asked questions about holiday mail service, one of His most important outreach programs? Consider also the feds' disinformation campaign against Santa:
Santa enjoys candy canes and cookies, and his reindeer enjoy fresh hay.Bull. Only if you intend to give Santa's reindeer stomachaches are you going to leave them fresh hey. New Hampshire Public Radio speaks truth to power:
Reindeer Lichen, sometimes incorrectly called Reindeer Moss, grow abundantly throughout the reindeer's natural habitat—the arctic tundra and northern woodlands. You can even find them locally in open mountain forests and along roadsides. There are several common species, but all look like mounded gray or greenish miniature shrubs and can grow in dense, extensive mat-forming colonies.That's news you can use. Also notable: New Hampshire is one weird fucking place:Reindeer lichens are highly adapted to their harsh arctic environment and are a major winter food source for reindeer. The reindeer use their hooves to paw through the snow and ice to reach the lichen, and may even fight over particularly good patches. Lichens provide important carbohydrate energy, particularly when little else is available. These complex carbohydrates are broken down by special enzymes produced in the stomach of reindeer or caribou but in few other animals.
Humans can't digest reindeer lichen very well, and eating uncooked lichen can even make us sick. However, partially digested lichen from the stomachs of freshly killed reindeer can be eaten, and it is even considered a delicacy in some arctic cultures [do NPR personalities have to live in northern climes to be considered "arctic"? —ed.]. In this form it has much greater nutritional value. It is said to taste pretty good—something like fresh green salad. But don't worry—we're pretty sure that Santa prefers gingerbread cookies.No worries, little children, Santa's not so big on greens, so it's unlikely that he'll butterfly Rudolph before Christmas Day. Unlikely.
As you see, I'm on this. You just try to have a merry Christmas. I'm going to find out how far down this rabbit hole goes.
Posted by Kriston at December 23, 2005 2:40 PM