Darkness, Imprisoning Me

That's it—I'm going to destroy everything. I usually reserve this space for issues from the larger world, but I'm afraid I might do damage to myself and those around me if I don't put this out. I have a few grievances:

1. I will vote for the first candidate who will promise to do away with modern telephone customer service technology. I do not want to press 1 for any department. I do not want to enter in my account number just so that your telephone tree system can tell me that it cannot find me. I don't want your telephone tree system to hang up on me when I mash * repeatedly as my account number. I really don't want to sit on hold for an hour listening to pop-punk covers, and I really don't want to say my issue aloud to some goddamned computer voice-recognition system that thinks I'm saying "paint program" when I'm saying "iBook" because it has all the sensitivity of the program on my broken Mac which is the damned reason I'm calling in the first place. I will scream "customer service!!" at and between every voice prompt until I get transferred to someone, and, damnit, I want it to be a drop-out or talented painter or subcontinental with a disguised accent and convincing grasp of local weather, whatever, who will call me Mr. Capps and apologize profusely for my inconvenience. Because I am inconvenienced. My vote to the candidate who supports my vision.

2. Why they let the Terminator win the election?

3. I bought a bag of chips today during lunch that had this to say on the back:
   

   Get too close to M____ Z____ and you will get burned. This woman is determined to scorch everyone in her path. M____ Z____'s weapons are the hottest jalapeno and habanero peppers this side of the Rio Grande. Since she lost the love of her life in a bizarre and tragic potato peeler accident, M____ Z____ has been hell bent on burning every mouth she kisses with her special brand of passion.

   So now I have to have a goddamned story arch to go with the indigestion from eating these hot-ass chips? Who wrote this shit, Kenny Rogers?